Monday, January 15, 2018

Runaway Husband - By Dr Pradnya Ajinkya



1] After knowing each other for nine years we both agreed that, we are in love and happy to be tying the knot. 

2] But after a few months of the marriage, things changed. The decline was particularly steep because of non consummation of the marriage and the course of true love ran downhill.

3] The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction declined, the likelihood of wanting to divorce did not arise and instead declined and we wanted to seek help from a psychologist/sexologist. There were occasions to note that we were not miserable together and we were looking forward to a change in general happiness in spite of no sex. For me the biggest predictor of overall life satisfaction was my spouse. 

4] Not surprisingly, it is only me who currently bears the heaviest cost of becoming his wife. I can remember how he left me by bringing home a so-called-police to move him and his belongings out on a date we were scheduled to meet the counsellor. He disconnected me from my work place and friends and colleagues and left me alone in a foreign country. My core world was feeling like shrinking. 


5] His successful launch as a husband was when he invited me back to Canada to renegotiate and got all the necessary papers transferred in his name, after which he just disappeared and finally left me to struggle with all the responsibilities alone in a foreign country. He believed that once he left, everything ends, it is done and there is no need to talk about it.

6] This one act has done untold amounts of damage to my psyche. All of these acts/changes led to fundamental and long-lasting effects on me including my aging parents who rushed to Canada to bring home to India their emotionally and mentally broken child. 

7] The relationship strain became so serious that it associated with many serious physical health problems as well as symptoms of depression and other mental health problems. 

8] With all the problems and pain, I wanted to continue in the marriage and tried communicating with him over email, calls and what’s app and finally he rejected/blocked me. 

9] I am recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances and shocked as I remember my own symptoms and behaviour during the episode and tragic event when he left me alone. There is a common belief that ‘it can’t happen to me and there was no hint or sign that it could even happen.’ What can happen if we reunite?

 Pointers

1] Husband gets emotionally distant?

2] Living in emotional prisons because you tend to get disconnected from the spouse and self?

3] Before he decides to have sex, things have to be right?

4] Some couples wait and not allow pressures to stand in the way of marital bliss?

5] If non consummation is a manifestation of marital disorder, it is logical to direct treatment at the marriage. 

6] A proportion of unconsummated marriages are unlikely to be altered by any approach by those where one or both partners show gross psycho sexsual immaturity or deviation, complete lack of motivation, deliberate dissimulation or overt hatred and contempt.

7] (T) : Can this be a focal point of your life? Is it the total story? 

(V) : He seems to show no remorse and treats me like a total stranger. 

(T) : In an earthquake also one can get abandoned. It can be considered a major tragedy. 

(V) : I suffered a major tragedy, abandonment and rejection

(T) : In a remarkable twist of fate, we are with our loving parents in the current situation. 

(V) : I am alive because I get my will power from parents. I want to find true happiness by living with people who care, love and will never desert me.

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