Tuesday, June 20, 2017

What pushes Mumbaikars to take short trips frequently Meghna Mukherjee Garvita Sharma

Jun 19 2017 : The Times of India (Mumbai)
What pushes Mumbaikars to take short trips frequently



According to a recent report, Mumbai residents love to embark on short trips at the first given opportunity.

BT finds out what makes them take these quick breaks 
When it comes to Mumbai, there is a general perception that its citizens head to international destinations for vacations. But a recent report by a travel app would have us believe otherwise. The city has emerged as being the most travel-friendly, beating rest of India (700-cities to be precise) when it comes to travelling either for work or leisure. It does not end there, Mumbaikars are also known to take frequent short trips whenever they get the opportunity, for instance long weekends and holidays. What's even more surprising is that they tend to make quick getaways to places around the city or in the country.International destinations are reserved for long vacations.
 GETTING AWAY FROM WORK
Over the years, Mumbai has strictly come to be associated with work. Given the work culture that follows a 9-to-9 cycle and a fast pace, stress levels are extremely high here compared to other metro cities in India. An actor (on condition of anonymity) put it succinctly, “Mumbai is strictly work. I travel the rest of the time to get away from here for peace.“
However, not everyone in the city can head to an international destination at the drop of a hat.
Foram Shah, a senior account manager with a digital agency , makes frequent trips away from the city. She says, “Mumbai's life is so fast and stressful, that from Monday onwards, we start thinking about Friday . We are all so preoccupied with deadlines and `what's next' that our days are planned accordingly -there is a set routine and just to do away with the monotony , we step out of the city regularly . We often go camping and trekking to places like Lonavla, Alibag, Igatpuri or Bhandardara.“

Pradnya Ajinkya, a counsellor, seconds Foram. She adds,“Travelling is a great stressbuster. But while some people travel to beat the stress of a crowded city like Mumbai, there is also the element of thrill. A lot of female travellers want to feel free and experience the thrill of travelling alone.“ HIGH ON ROAD TRIPS Road trips clearly score over other modes of transportation even with those who don't have a vehicle of their own.

Hardeep Saini, travel agent from the central suburbs, says that the monsoons witness a high demand for outstation cabs. He says, “Long vacations are also out of question with the re-opening of schools and colleges around this time of the year.So, we have people enquiring about Panchgani, Mahabaleshwar, Harihareshwar, Khopoli -places from where they can drive down to Mumbai.

BUSINESS TRIPS TOP THE LIST 

Mumbai citizens also loves to mix work with leisure. Says Abhishek Das, who frequently travels for work, “My annual trip is saved for an international destination. But during monsoon, I try and schedule my work trips over the weekend in Pune, so that I get to meet my friends and also relax. I usually book a cab from Mumbai to Pune for ` 2,000 and take a flight or train back.“

Pragya Narayan, who works in an MNC, says, “My job requires me to travel to places like Panchgani and Mahabaleshwar. So, I leave on a Friday afternoon and get back to Mumbai on Tuesday morning. I get to enjoy the scenic views as I work.“

MAY-JUNE-JULY OVERDRIVE

Vijayanti Deshpande, who runs an outstation rental cab service, adds, “While people want to travel throughout the year, bookings are heavy during the months of May-June-July . On any given weekend, more than 200 cars are booked for travel to places like Lonavla, Pune, Panchgani, Karjat and Matheran.“

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Entering into the marriage with post traumatic stress By Dr. Pradnya Ajinkya

Abraham is having trouble sleeping for past several weeks and his mother is concerned about his health. He wakes up at irregular intervals and refuses to go to sleep at his regular bed time. As a child his mother rocked him back to sleep. The cycle has come to repeat. Abraham who is 33 years old today is completely dependent on mother to get back his sleep. Abraham's wife complains that she grew less tolerant and the two have become sensitive and argumentative.

Therapist

Several questions relating to Abraham and his family:

a] Abraham's mother is a widow who lost her husband when Abraham was 7 years old.
 
b] Abraham was the youngest of four children. 
 
c] Abraham's mother resumed college after her husband died on a part time basis and completed her education when Abraham was 12 years old.
 
d] Her plans were definite. She spends a lot of time with her children and lived in a small home and managed to make ends meet. Finances were a concern to the family. She met all the educational needs of her children through student loans and grant-in-aid and child-support-payments from various institutions. 
 
e] The description of the circumstances surrounding the development of Abraham's sleep difficulties and the factors that affected the problem started with the typical evening event and beginning with dinner progressing through the following morning.
 
f] Mother is completely overwhelmed by Abraham's current situation. She was exasperated and felt that she was able to rock him to sleep but his wife and her understanding to the situation was something she was completely unable to control.
 
g] Mother's eyes are watery and on the verge of tears. 
 
h] It became clear that Abraham's mother's mood had been sad since her husband's death. Though she encouraged herself she felt lonely and discouraged. She remembered telling Abraham how 'down in the dumps' she felt. She later cheered herself up though she cried frequently and for long periods of time. She was preoccupied by her husband's death and Abraham was the only child who was around her while she was brooding about the events that led to husband's death.
 
i] These worries interfered considerably with Abraham's ability to concentrate and seemed directly related to his sleep disorder.
 
j] Mother blamed herself for her attitude and becoming increasingly pessimistic, although she harbored considerable resentment towards her daughter-in-law.  This placed additional strain on the already problematic marital relationship citing that Abraham's wife was a poor marital partner with several examples of her misconduct, like she spends more on clothes and shares less enthusiasm on the current problem.  
 
k] According to Abraham's wife, his sleep is about his personal habit and she was annoyed by his imperfections in their relationship.  Of course, they could easily argue about the sincere efforts to work on their marital difficulties and view them as evidence of failures. They were totally out of proportion and generalized their problems from the mother's failure in her parenting to other relationships in their life.
 
l] Their future looked bleak from their current perspective, but their interest in solving Abraham's sleeping problem was an encouraging sign.
 
m] Abraham's childhood had been uneventful. Having siblings, he spent most of his time with his mother. He remembers his relationship with his mother as warm and pleasant. His father died in an accident. When he arrived home from school he heard his mother crying and saying ,” life ahead is going to be very difficult and I am overcome with grief about this young and reserved boy Abraham who will have to struggle for years through my normal schedule of activities.” Overcome with grief over her loss, Abraham feels that in retrospective, his mother attributed this lack of assertiveness to his fear that he would feel abandoned if anything happened to his mother. This thought persisted throughout school and college days and became a pattern. As time wore on, Abraham found himself brooding more and more and this worsened after his marriage. He worried his wife may leave him. The added worry about losing his wife contributed substantially to a decline in his mood and he finally decided that he would book in with a mental health counselor for:

1] Insomnia 

2] Psychomotor agitation 

3] Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

4] Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

5] Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day

6] Recurrent thoughts and clearly a prominent feature of constant brooding about losing mother and wife.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATORS By Dr. Pradnya Ajinkya


Case 1

My 10 year old child hits other children. Other parents feel and call my child a “bad boy” or “naughty boy”. They have reinforced the negative image of my child both in my own mind and in my child’s. The first thing I feel is embarrassment and shame, followed closely by a fear that my child may have a “mean” streak. I wonder how to tell my child?
 
Therapist
Your son may be under one or many of the stress triggers that may have made him act out. Teaching instead of punishing becomes easier. For instance, instead of, “Why did you do that? I don’t understand how you can be so mean sometimes” you will be in a much better situation to say “That wasn’t the best behavior  --  we do not hit our friends”.

Case 2
 
No matter how strong I think I am, unforeseen change can leave me feeling quite vulnerable and lost. The past three days have been the most difficult. I am a part of reeling in confusion and pain. My family is experiencing the emotional roller-coaster of finding out I am pregnant at 19. I am expecting parents to restore this. I am expecting them to redeem this situation. 
 
Therapist
 
Asking these questions requires courage because, in the end, it is very likely they will not be answered. Ultimately, it isn’t about the questions.  Behind the question is a deep current of emotion threatening to overtake us. 
 
This experience can teach us about not wanting to be ignorant. You've lived this: You would have a hard time managing the powerful negative emotions that surfaced -- anger, disappointment, hurt -- while trying to keep parents and your routines on track effectively. Parents also need to handle this situation with the child that requires calm, consistent discipline. When we are already upset, we tend to discipline the kids in a way that is, uh, not calm or collected.

Case 3
 
Rupi attacks her husband: My mother-in-law asked me to do the dishes I forgot last night before I leave for work. 'I don't understand how a grown up lady can be so irresponsible and uncaring, MIL added.......... Your mother keeps criticizing me. She always uses all-or-nothing words like “always” or “never.” “What’s wrong with her?” She does not treat me as her own daughter.
 
Husband: You have a lot of pent-up-anger against my mother. You are behaving like a stranger who has a hard time adjusting herself to a family lifestyle. "What's wrong with you?'"
 
Rupi: It's usually your attempt to belittle or demean me which strongly conveys a sense of disrespect.
Husband: If there are ongoing conflicts in this marriage (eye rolling) I will prefer to quit .
 
Rupi: I have always been on the receiving end. You can't defend me. Please understand that it's not my fault, it's yours. I can never make you happy.  It’s never enough for you.
 
Husband: Looks down and refuses to discuss further and walks out the door, and says, I have a long day, I can't deal with this ANYMORE. Let us meet a therapist. We need help! Body chemistry is also not withstanding.
 
Therapist: No one is off the hook in the above scenario. Working on increasing positive interactions and enhancing the general atmosphere of our home by lowering our reliance on this form of negative communication is vital and important. The above conversations don’t necessarily mean that one's marriage is weak or doomed. The couple should be good at 'repair attempts.' The couple can send out a white flag of surrender because their marriage is important and they should want to be close to each other.

Rethinking the relationship cycle By Dr. Pradnya Ajinkya


"Please, please, please help my son," a mother whimpers.
 
The emotional battle that my son Robin has been fighting has left him a stressed man, struggling to win back from a social system trying to consume him. It was the fifth evening after my son had left his rental home, and to his surprise, while Robin in his friend's flat was looking over a new play, Sukanya came along with her friends and threatened him to return home. "It sounds very absurd. I don't agree with you," my son said, loudly. Then Sukanya and her friends threatened to punish Robin before they left.

Case conceptualization with Robin
 
"I met Sukanya in the tail end of '11.  Evidently she is a cleverer woman than what I took her for. I feel that there are deeper and more serious matters that I have suffered than the mere solution of the mystery of separation,' said Robin shutting his teeth tightly together. Robin took a deep breath and then returned with a rapid mental photograph of his bearings. "Everything seemed to be going so well from the beginning. Like not too many of us want to be thought of as a grouch of the group of friends, we too maintained a good crowd of friends and enjoyed together. She was really really nice. Everyone liked to think that we were nice together. 'Yes' slipped off our tongues before we had the chance to stop it even if we internally were shouting 'no'.  We would meet very often. Her parents lived in another city where there wasn't much in the way of work. She wanted to get independent and on her feet and she willingly invited herself to come and live with me. Then these are the few pretty blows which hit  in a few months. Sukanya would decide how we spent time together. She would insist that I cancel plans with my family and friends. She expected me to pay off her bills. She would accuse me of cheating her with friends. If I ignored she would cry and yell and stalk off for days. I always got back to Sukanya looking into the good in her, and would give her anything and cared for her. She had the strength and an advantage of getting me back each time. If I was distracted by work, she had a habit of going into severe sulking fits. She wouldn't respond to anything. I decided something was wrong, though I was in denial for a long time. It wasn't the smartest move, but I decided to move out of my rental apartment. When Sukanya realised that I was tired and out, she grabbed me by my shoulders and dropped me to the floor and spat in my face before she walked off. The pain was enough that I quickly got up and had enough presence of mind to pick up my belongings and moved out. I was so afraid to even meet a doctor. I limped for almost five days until I started getting a little better and I was confronted by Sukanya and her friends. I told them that the relationship is over and that she struck me and I was physically and mentally threatened and things dissolved into pretty much daily arguments and hence decided to spent a few days out with a folk in his house. She did try calling me but I ignored and completely cut off, then I received a ton of texts, then my friend's phone started ringing. I did not want to compromise on my safety, integrity or privacy. I really did not want to go back," said Robin wishing that the story had ended there. "She kept harassing my friends before finally leaving me. The emotional scars are definitely still there. Life for me isn't perfect, but it is the best it could be considering the path it could have taken....." he said. 'I am still in the first part, said Robin wishing that the story had ended there.  The idea that Liz, a grade V classmate loved me so much that the first time she laid her eyes on me she fell in love with me at first sight, gave me a feel between beautiful and disaster. Now finding myself feels impossible. I feel it is Liz this time. It is barely three months and she has started sending me threats via text messages, emails and calls. 'If you break up with me, I'll post those pics everywhere.' Again slowly the labels come from her to define me and out of the wreckage of the the tragic beginnings in the earlier relationship, a similarly unlikely and tragic relationship unfolds.......'
 
Therapist
 
First, let’s deal with the priorities and convictions.
 
1] Since you know the situation best, the first option you may choose might be to stand your ground and not give in to threats.
 
2] If you fear that your friend can become a threat and harm you, it might be safest to turn to some of your support systems for self care and create a safety plan. Remember to keep your parents informed.
 
3] Check out for laws against 'revenge porn'.
 
4] It is important to realise that you may need to be cautious while being careful that this is not someone you can really lead a healthy relationship with.
 
5] Be committed to write down what you need to do each day and you can look back and know how much you have accomplished.
 
6] Keeping promises to yourself is something you need to do for self help.
 
7] While you are on your difficult memories and moments, you need to weigh your answer with your convictions and priorities.
 
8] You will have to repeat the reason you gave in the first place for saying 'yes'. Example : Sukanya and I agreed that we were ready only committing to one extra level of living-in-together to know each other.  At this point, in the present moment in a new situation, you can either change the subject or say, 'If you'll excuse me, I'm not going to get there.' 
 
9] Avoid considering the request at another time. Say that it is impossible for me to consider what you are saying. I won't let myself again.
 
10] Don’t wimp out of fear and be vague with your answers to avoid hurting feelings. It raises false hope for them, makes you seem indecisive, and slows down the process of determining who is going to be helping .....
 
This raises a few questions:
 
a] Why Robin repeats over and over again the same relationship cycle of abuse?
 
b] Can his emotional availability be questioned?
 
c] Could he have acted differently?
 
d] Why it is important to choose when and whom he should love?
 
e] Deciding to continue in a safe and long term relationship?

Entertainment Quiz
 
Read the top before you scroll down...................
 
You are in a desert. You have with you the following five animals:
A lion, a cow, a horse, a sheep, and a monkey.

To escape the desert you are going to have to get rid of one of your animals.

Which one do you drop? (You can use whatever logic you like BUT  keep track of which animal is discarded when!) You have 4 animals left.
 
The desert is burning up! It goes on for miles.
Sand is everywhere. You realize, to get out, you are going to have drop another animal.
 
Which do you drop?
 
You have 3 animals left.
 
Walk, walk, walk. Hot, hot, hot.
 
Disaster! The Oasis that you were looking for is dried up!
 
You have no choice but to drop another animal.
 
You have 2 animals left.
 
Ok, it's a long hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert way on the horizon. Unfortunately, you can only leave the desert with ONE animal.
 
Which one do you drop and which one do you keep?
 
Before looking at the answers below, make sure you know which animal you dropped in what order.
 
These answers are based on Japanese Archetypes.
 
The desert represents a hardship.
 
The animals represent . . .

    Lion = Pride
    Monkey = Your children
    Sheep = Friendship
    Cow = Basic needs
    Horse = Your passion
 
So, in the face of hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things in turn. Your last animal represents that thing which you cling to at the expense of all others.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

#Trauma -'She's alive!' By Dr. Pradnya Ajinkya




1] It is three years since my husband and three children went missing and it has not been easy.  I find myself frequently at the hospital emergency. The hospital worsens my situation. The doctors tell me to get over it and that is just what I can't do, Ma'am.

2] I heard a huge sound like the sky crashing into the earth. I could not believe my eyes, as I saw something like a huge fireball rolling down the mountain.

3] When the disaster happened, people scrambled to save their lives.

4] I saw my husband and son rushing home on the bike, but the area was covered with thick, heavy mud. That was the last time I saw them. I was screaming and screaming and screaming for help.

5] A few neighbours along with me were forcefully shifted out to a temporary camp.                  

6] My daughter Ma'am, was left behind. There are no claims that she was killed in the incident. I've been praying daily for some clue to what happened to my ten-year-old daughter who was out playing with her friends. 

7] I want to see her Ma'am. Please let me go and find out where she is. I cannot express the panic that is in my heart. I feel heartfelt sorrow. I am sure she would be found. I can't stop my tears from falling.

8] My family is expecting me to get on with my life since they have made good effort to find out about Monika. They feel it has been three years after returning home. 

9] It is getting a bit uncomfortable living with them. They do not give me my private space to think about my child's fate. 

10] I have been receiving counselling from officers of the Welfare Department to cope with the trauma following the incident. Please listen to me, Ma'am. I harbour hope. I am sure, I am traumatized by the tragedy and need psychological care. Please help me ....... please ....... to solve this mystery .......

Therapist
Th: I am listening and please be reassured that your problems and fears are being heard. 

C: Thank you Ma'am.
Th: You remember where you were during the critical incident.

C: Yes. I was at home. When I opened the door, on hearing a huge sound, I was shocked to see a huge ball of fire falling down ......
Th: What did you think at that moment?

C: I could see my husband and son being washed away. I was totally numbed. I was screaming for help. I was calling out to Monika. I felt Monika and I would be all alone.
Th: What could be worse than this?

C: I was forced to leave the place before I found my daughter.
Th: What happened to the children who were playing with Monika?

C: Rashi and Jalpa are both dead. But there is no claim about Monika.
Th: There could be a couple of people who went missing?

C: Yes. Quite some numbers. More than 500 people. Monika may be one among them. Yet, I can't forget her Ma'am. I suffer flashbacks and delusions.
Th: Take some additional help to understand  how to deal with the flashbacks and delusions. The initial counselling interventions helped you not to rebound. However, with required extended psychological care you will surely feel better and this may even alter this consistent dynamic. The mind should be given sufficient time to heal itself.

C: Yes.
Th: Taking into consideration the intensity and duration of the trauma, why don't we have a doctor come and check your stress levels regularly? They will screen you for your psychological health and train you for high-stress combat. This can avoid the panic and regular emergency landing in hospitals.

C: Yes.
Th: We will meet often at short intervals and restructure reactions to the memories of the trauma.

C: Yes.
Th: On a 0 to 10 scale how do you feel now?

C: 4. Restructuring the memories can improve the scaling?
Th: Yes. My dear Elizabeth!

Sunday, February 12, 2017

#RELATIONSHIP MINDSETS Trying to talk himself out of trouble By Dr. Pradnya Ajinkya


1] She can trigger me. I am so scared. I never want to be so weak. 

2] I lost it Ma'am. I was already walking the edge. 

3] I know implicitly that she doesn't consider me. It demeans me. See where it has led me. 

4] She believes that she is the epitome of a perfect celebrity who can really never make any mistakes and says and does the right things. 

5] She loads wholly on me. Where do I go? 

6] Fifteen years back, I would have said, 'it can't happen to me.'  

7] Though I recognize her core, I can't deal with this. She makes me helpless. 

8] She breathes in the same statements. I am not in any mental situation to answer her queries. 

9] I was appauled beyond measure on Saturday. She attacked me verbally. She went into a rant, rant and rant. It went on for 6 hours.

10] Her words are really bad and cruel. Dear Ma'am she represents what my demon is.

11] She leads me to believe that I can never change. She cannot find "variability" in my behavior.

12] Then she withdraws and after a while interacts with me and again threatens to leave me. And I see myself in the same mess each time. Ma'am, please help me to find myself.

13] She doesn't care about what I am going through. She doesn't care about what makes me accept her. I don't know her limit of satisfaction.

14] I need an anchor. I can't anchor myself. I am one person. I want to get into a situation where no one can ever break me. Now I have decided to live in my own cylinder.  

15] Her curing is a different matter. I doubt if she is a candidate for counselling? She can't take feedbacks. 

16] I am here with you Ma'am because I don't want to get exploited and don't want to exploit. 

17] She counters that I am a frightened mouse and that I am throwing the blame on her because I am not man enough to take the heat. 

18] She monitors my every move. We separated from each other +yesterday.

19] Let me ask you, 'what might lead her to withdraw and then interact?'

Therapist

1] They have talked marriage, but are not engaged yet and have no plans to be. 

2] Cycling in an on-again-off-again relationship, their relationship is fraught with distress.

3] Relationship cycling can ruin the health of the members in the relationship.

4] It is believed that the vicious verbal attack happened on  Saturday. The man is helpless and cannot stop the domineering episode. 

5] This leads to two very important questions  : 

a] Does a man ever have the right to tell a woman to not push words on him and expect her to respect that? 

b] To stop inflicting further harm by inducing shame through blame. 

6] This can help victims achieve justice and will hopefully instigate cultural change around this lesser-known side of domestic abuse.

7] In a healthy relationship equality is present and they accept that their partner will also have their own needs. 

8] If you are frightened and worried because you are controlled and you have to give up on the things that are important to you and there is no consideration that you are upset, that's where the line is. 

9] It took a long time for Raghav to recognise that the nice behaviour and abusive behaviour are both a conscious decision.

10] The couple fell in love and it was very romantic to begin with or at least it seemed that way. She slowly began monitoring his every move. As time went on things continued to get worse and unpredictable and they separated from each other. 

11] Some relationships might persist being low in quality. Others might end. 

12] Just telling a man/woman that they are monitered can hurt their psychological performance.

13] It is important to step away from the major overhauls, pick yourself up and instead celebrate smaller wins toward small goals. 

14] Breaking free from an unhappy relationship is no easy task. It is certainly a set back. Professional counsellors also advise to stop and think and then allow yourself to really focus on what you want to accomplish the most and slowly you can always add more.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Spouse challenge: Whose life is harder? By Dr Pradnya Ajinkya


1] I wish my husband was dead. I know it is an awful thing to say, and if it really happened I know I would feel differently, but wonder if I would really miss him because I really am at the end of my tether. 

2] I was brought up by my family to think that when two people decide to marry, each makes a pledge that the other will be the most important person in their life. Couples may fight between themselves, over big things and small, but partners must learn to stick up and last. It takes a lot of shocks, revelations, compromises, and loads of friction to finally find a win-win, workable marriage. That's just how it is. 

3] My husband is involved in a family business with his father. In laws are kind, considerate, loving and very good souls. 

4] The Eighteen years it took to reach the point where I am today really bothers me. I wish I had been more vocal about the interpretation of my marriage. 

5] I was overwhelmed when my husband told me before marriage that, I am modern and hip in my thinking. You can wear whatever you please after marriage. There will be no restrictions. I am very liberal.  I know all this may sound a little bit harsh, especially given how society has conditioned us. But I want to say all this before we get into the legalities of this beautiful relationship. 

6] I was married to Sanjeev when I was 21 years old. In the sixth month after our marriage, Sanjeev told me that he wanted to do things with other girls and this was his way of buying sexual freedom. 

7] By the time the secret came out, I was emotionally involved with Sanjeev. We stayed married, but he continued to swing regularly. It began to ruin our lives. It was all too consuming. He would be holed up in resort rooms every week end with mixed and matched couples. 

8] It didn't seem normal to me.  He promised to set rules, but fun got in the way. There was one time, when Sanjeev came over with a sexy couple and he was talking to me about signing an agreement for sexual exploration with the couple. He said it would fetch me huge money. 

9] At this point, I decided that even if I loved my husband, I am not willing to give to what my husband was demanding. I made it very clear that I was not comfortable and unwilling. I decided to leave with my 15 year old daughter and 11 year old son. 

10] I am wondering how I will convince my parents and kids that Sanjeev will not be living with us anymore? I am sure they will not  fault me. 

11] I have been trolling around for a good counsellor. Your insights and suggestions would be most helpful.

Therapist: This is your relationship with your husband?

Meeta: No. He is the person I wanted to grow old with, and I love him deeply. We have been together for over a decade and we have been together through my parents with health issues, children, purchasing a home, buying cars and silly everyday things. Even in a dream and thinking of love and family, it's only him. He has this chronic sexual disorder. It is something that he needs and he is happy with. Is it only addiction Ma'am? Why am I not enough?  I am concerned about my emotional and financial survival too. I have lost many important years of career growth, making it difficult for me to get back on my feet. I really don't know if I am contemplating divorce? It's no picnic living without him. He is willing to come to counselling.

Therapist: 

1] Any marriage in which the couple involved have different goals and expectations will not be an easy relationship. The temptation to get things easier over time by creating rules and setting boundaries that will protect the existing relationship is not working. It may also mean that your husband should give up relationships that his partner finds threatening. Since it failed, your relationship did not build a foundation that can make both of you happy. Otherwise, both may have tried everything in power to help the partners feel safe and secure. This may mean that security is learned. 

2] The ability to compromise, and to negotiate a set of agreements that both people can function in, is absolutely critical if you are to make this work. Equally critical is a commitment to follow through on the things you say that you will do, and abide by the negotiated agreements in your relationship completely and without fail. 

3] The place where it gets trickier, though, is your husband asking you to become a swinger for fun and a prostitute for money. 

4] The conflicts experienced in which you were not aware initially and the determination to not internalize any acceptance of this alternative lifestyle on an emotional, intellectual, social and financial level will help us to explore your own value systems and the impact on your feelings. 

5] You may have the fear of losing your lover or spouse, yet it is important to gain awareness and acceptance of your own psychological reality and personal limits. 

6] The memory of sitting down to tell your parents and children explaining to them why Sanjeev, how Sanjeev and when Sanjeev  can shudder the family with fear and shame. 

7] To be honest, your husband doesn't think this is a big deal. Couples who openly swap partners with strangers, are becoming a growing trend in a sort of new sexual relationship revolution.

8] It is unclear though when the ritualised custom of selling a wife by public auction first began, but it seems likely to have been some time towards the end of the 17th century. It has also got a legal perspective.

9] Wonder to what extent your husband will introduce his alternative lifestyle to children. This can be too upsetting for the children.  There may not be any evidence of child abuse or neglect and the children may be well adjusted so far, but it is necessary to remove the children from immoral environments. 

10] Making the decision to not move forward in the above sexual exploration, we may consider to focus on what is best for your husband from his perspective without negatively judging his alternative lifestyle. 

11] You'll need to get past some mental roadblocks in thinking your husband's alternative lifestyle has something to do with you or you are not enough. He is probably not wired for monogamy. 

12] It is important to note that many swinger relationships may end up in prostitution and child abuse! 

13] Sanjeev is welcome to my practice. It may mean that we negotiate boundaries that are narrower than what you might otherwise want. Actions can be regulated, but feelings and emotions are a bit trickier, and care should be taken to control and dictate such feelings to be naturally inclined, whether by learning or by hard wiring, to need only one person in his life.  

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